The Most Important Lesson We Can Pass On

Last weekend the “dad” community was overwhelmed by the news of the death of a child.  The two-year-old son of Adrian Peterson, winner of the NFL’s Most Valuable Player last season and someone familiar to and feared by those of us who play fantasy football, was killed, beaten by a boyfriend of the mother, someone who had a history of domestic violence. 

In case you missed the lead, this is it:  a two-year-old child was beaten to death.

When I first heard the news I looked at my three year old son and tried to figure out how one does that, not in a, “how do you do that to a child?” way, but as a serious logistical question.  

How do you go about beating a two-year-old child? 

It’s a disturbing question, I know.

We can’t separate the physics of the act from the heartbreaking brutality of it being a two-year-old.  A child.  An innocent smiling face whose only desire is to be loved.

It struck me that my three-year-olds primary goal is to please us.  Everything he does, every discovery, even every failure, is in pursuit of our approval. 

And that can lead to an insidious kind of abuse whose wounds are not visible, but last a lifetime.

Shame.

A photo went viral recently, the latest in a frightening trend of parenting via public humiliation and shame. 

A father, upset that his toddler had defecated in the shower, posted a photo of her with a sign, with her face in full view.  The sign read:

I pooped in the shower and daddy had to clean it up.  I hereby sign this as permission to use in my yearbook senior year. 

Mia
 (It is signed with a scribble.) 

The segment from the Today Show asked, “Is this cruel or cute?” 

I think the answer is obvious.

This is an act of child abuse.  Shaming and humiliation are never an answer and fail, utterly, to teach anything other than shame and humiliation. 

Children are constantly learning – they learn from the behavior of those around them.  What lessons did this child learn?  Not only did this father undercut the learning process of potty training by reinforcing that poop is gross and he, as dad, is above cleaning after his toddler, he undermines the entire learning process of his child by instilling a belief that any mistake will be met with shame and public humiliation – especially in the most fragile and vulnerable time in a child’s life.

We are currently going through the hell that is potty training.  It’s a mess.  We expect a two or three year old child to know how to recognize their body’s internal signals, race to the bathroom, turn on lights, get undressed, get situated, all the while holding what’s trying to come out, clean themselves up afterward…

A toddler. 

I know adults who, after a couple drinks, can’t do this.

Initially this caused a great deal of concern and frustration, but we had an epiphany:  this is about him learning a skill.  It’s not about us.   Oue job is to guide and encourage him.  We empowered him and within weeks he was disappearing into the bathroom and announcing to the world his successes.   (We still have to help clean up…  I doubt the cleaning of poop, literal or figurative, will ever end.)

And you have to do it with a smile, a hug, and a great deal of positive energy and encouragement.

Simple?  Yes.  Easy?  No.

This is the template for how you handle every learning experience your child will encounter. 

You can face it with shame, humiliation, anger, and judgment, or you can face it with love, compassion, understanding, and encouragement.  The choice is yours. 

And that is the most important lesson you can pass on to your child.

For more information on shame and humiliation and the power of vulnerability, check out the work of Brené Brown, Ph.D., LMSW.  http://brenebrown.com/

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9 Lessons for New Dads

Want more?  Hit us up on facebook, google+ or follow us in the twitterverse.This previously posted on The Huffington Post

Three of the men dearest to me, lets call them Adam, Rishi and Chad, are all having (or have had) their first child this year. One is my actual brother and the other two might as well be. Last year, I shared what I'd learned as a stay-at- home dad. This year, I get to share a little of what I know with these men, men I know will make excellent fathers.

1. Babies don't come out asking for the car keys and looking at colleges. You have time to learn and time to make mistakes. The first three months are mostly about poop, food and sleep... because that's all you can handle. It will get more complicated, but it all seems to come one complication at a time.

2. Know what goes into your child. There's a lot you'll be hearing about what comes out -- it seems poop is the Rosetta Stone for every ailment -- but know what goes in. Go organic, read every label. If you can't pronounce it, why would you put it into your infant? Food isn't food like when we were kids. A tomato isn't a tomato anymore; it's spliced with the DNA of rats and fruit flies to make them more resistant to a weed-killing chemical that causes cancer. Yeah, it's absurd. Just know what goes in.

3. Things happen when they happen. Relax. Your child will walk when he walks, talk when he talks, and... well, use the potty when he uses the potty. That last one has been a bugaboo, but it's happening. And it's happening despite mom and dad's best attempts to screw it up and complicate things. Things happen when they happen. Relax. If they don't, call your doc, they'll help you. (Adam, you can just call yourself...)

4. It's not a contest. Trust me. Our pediatrician informed us that Turtle is of average size for a 4-year-old and he has the ability of a first-grader to make complex connections and verbally express them. He's 3. However, put a soccer ball in front of him and he's utterly confused. When all the other kids are kicking the ball, he just wants to hug his coach. And he's still iffy on the whole potty thing. So... that's where we are. Comparing kids is like comparing a horse to an orange (or a genetically spliced tomato with a tomato); they're not the same.

5. While you can, baby-wear. Seriously. Imagine holding your child all the time, carrying this infant everywhere, feeling them snuggle up and fall asleep in your arms. Now imagine that you can let go and use your arms to write, work, read, make dinner... and the baby still stays right there. That's baby-wearing. Do it for as long as your body will allow. I stopped just as Turtle got big enough to kick me in the kidneys on a consistent basis. That was a good sign that we were done. It doesn't have to be complicated.

6. Speak softly. This one is hard for me. I'm a big guy with a big voice and my wife gets a fair amount of glee from telling me I can be rather scary. I find that hilarious, but apparently I make a face honed over years of taking the 1 Train home to Harlem that can be menacing. I always thought a small amount of fear was a good thing, to know there were consequences for actions. Now, I think that's hogwash. I don't want my child to be afraid of me. I want him to know I will love him and respect him always, even when he screws up. So, we have a no-yelling rule. The punishment: burpees. This does not apply to any kind of warnings or life-threatening moments. It's about having a house that is respectful and teaching him that soft voices can be more effective than loud ones. Speak softly. Better yet, whisper when you need to discipline. If you treat your child with respect, you'll have a respectful child who grows up to be a respectful (and respected) adult.

7. Remember, you're a team. There's lots of numbers and statistics being bandied about in this never-ending merry go round of who works harder, moms or dads. The truth is you are a team. Have a united front, share responsibilities and, if need be, pick up the slack. There will be times when your spouse will do the same for you. Because you're a team.

8. Respect. There are a lot of books out there about brain games and essential skills kids should know and how to get your kid into a pre-school that will get him into Harvard. Some are excellent; some are no better than kindling for a barbecue. But one that I'd never heard of and found unloved on a library shelf is Parking Lot Rules by Tom Sturges. It's my new favorite. Yes, there are some fun tips for not smashing fingers in car doors and staying safe in, you guessed it, parking lots. Practical things. But mostly, it's full of short reminders that raising a child is about respecting them, their growth, their pace and their opinions. In the blink of an eye, your child will be demanding a space at the kitchen counter to do dishes, choosing the stations on the radio, picking books to read, disappearing to the comic book section of the library, refusing to take a bath and then (minutes later) demanding a second bath and having an absolute meltdown about both. It helps to be reminded to treat all of these moments with respect.

9. Take care of yourselves. You don't have to do anything exotic or turn in workouts with names like Randy or Fran, but move. You want to be there when your child graduates high school, gets married, has their first child. Then you can pass on all your fatherly advice.

Happy Father's Day!

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Rights. For everybody.

This was in response to a letter to the editor in the Denver Post.  I wanted to submit it, but it was impossible to write a well reasoned and articulate response in 150 words...  

Therefore I'm posting it here.

I know this is typically my daddy blog, but this is an issue that many parents face, as Republican Senator Robb Portman recently did.  I hope my son can look at this one day and understand this as a civil rights issue, an issue of treating every human with respect and granting all men and women the exact same rights - simply because they are human beings.

Re: “Should Gay Marriage be legal in Colorado,” March 16, 2013 letters to the editor.

To state that declaring unconstitutional the definition of marriage as a union between a man and a woman is “an insult to Catholics, evangelical Christians and others whose religious beliefs are consistently being ignored” shows a willful lack of knowledge of The Constitution, the history of this country, and the nature of individual rights.  

Our founders did not construct The Constitution to suit Catholics, evangelical Christians or, for that matter, any religion.  Perhaps it’s helpful to remember their rebellion was against a nation with a state religion, something every founder had spoken and written against.

Secondly, the history of our nation has shown an overwhelming deference to American Christians.  It would be good to remember that the First Amendment guarantees the government will not infringe upon your right to practice your religion.  If two men are allowed to marry, in no way should it affect your ability to pray, congregate, worship, and pass along your belief in discriminating against others.

(I don’t recall the nuns in my elementary school or the Jesuits in high school teaching me anything about Jesus’ hatred for gays, or anyone for that matter.) 

The First Amendment also protects the government from religion… all religion, not only the ones you agree with, but the ones you disagree with.  The hundreds of millions of dollars that churches pumped into Prop 8 in California (in particular, one single church based a state away) blurs the line that separates religion and government and directly violates the tax exempt status of churches who are forbidden by law to fund legislation like Prop 8.  Freedom of religion is also freedom from religion.  No gay rights group could possibly compete financially with organized religious institutions. 

Finally, the assertion that giving gay and lesbian Americans the same rights as every other American is giving them special rights shows a blatant bigotry and lack of empathy and perspective.  Legislating who can have what rights and under what conditions is hateful and bigoted.  It undermines the very  idea of  America.  Insert the word “black” or “negro” or “Hispanic” or “Asian” in place of “gay” and you will see just how wrong it is to use religious freedom to deny equal rights to all citizens.  These are not “extra” rights. 

To give someone the rights you enjoy is not giving them “extra” rights, nor does it negate or lessen those rights you have long taken for granted.  It makes them stronger.

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Please don't respond with anything hateful.  It's too much of a hassle to delete it.

Thirty years, sixty one mass shootings... Can we talk about it now?

Friday morning, I spoke to my writing partner, Ambarish Manepalli, and we sent off two scenes for a network diversity showcase in Los Angeles.  The scenes, from a screenplay we’d written a few years ago, is one of our favorites and the script is one of our next projects. 

The script is about two office drones from accounts payable who are bumbling their way through their first job as hit men.  (It is registered with the WGA, so, no, you can’t steal the idea…)

The end of one of the scenes is as follows.

_________

INT.  WALMART SPORTING GOODS SECTION — DAY

Walt and Mikey flanked by fishing gear, camping equipment and badminton sets.  In front of them is an arsenal.  A wall of guns and ammunition.  A pimply high school kid stands in front of them.  A SIGN sits on the counter.

Walt reads it.

WALT

No background checks, no waiting period, no permits required.

MIKEY

Wow.

WALT

Welcome to WalMart.

_________

A little jab at the ridiculousness of our gun culture?  Yes.  

A funny bit?  Yes.

Deadly serious?  Absolutely. 

We hit "send" and off went our bit of tongue in cheek comic brilliance.  Only the two of us knew the truth of our script:  That Mikey and Walt never end up using the guns.  This was not a political decision, just worked in the scheme of the film. 

I went to the park with my toddler, passing the school where we go once a week for a pre-pre-K class, and we ran and played.  Then I checked my phone for email and dipped into Facebook. 

I wish I hadn’t. 

Twenty children and six adults, dead. 

One gunman.

This is becoming all too common in this country and it is unbearable. 

There was a flurry on Facebook and Twitter.  Expressions of grief, outrage and the typical gnashing of teeth associated with a mass shooting.  (There were three this week, in case you’re keeping score.)

And there was also the immediate call from gun advocates that, “This is not the time to discuss gun policy.” 

You’re correct.  That time was thirty years and sixty-one mass shootings ago. 

I grew up with a healthy respect for guns, taught to my by an uncle who made sure my cousins and I were educated in gun safety.   I’m not a hunter, fishing is more my speed, but I have no problem with people having guns.  None at all.   I will say that if you need an assault rifle to hunt, you're doing it wrong.  If you need one to protect your home, you might want to rethink what you're doing what would cause an army to invade your house.

But, I truly don’t want your guns.  I'm not asking for a ban on guns.  Seriously.  

I do want us to have a conversation about them.  I do want us to discuss the gun lobby and their power in the halls of our government.  (I lump the NRA in with the manufacturers, not gun owners.  It’s been a long time since they actually represented the desires of gun owners…)

For the last thirty years the gun lobby has dominated the debate.  When there’s a tragedy, they tell us it’s not the time to discuss gun policy.  When there’s not a tragedy, they sit on the shoulder of our elected representatives and remind them of campaign cash given and the promise of more. 

It doesn’t matter what party.  Republicans suck at the teat of the gun lobby with glee and Democrats are too feckless to do otherwise.

This time the victims aren’t adults strolling through a mall or grocery shopping at their local Albertsons or watching a movie.   The perpetrator is not a high school kid who has been bullied and taking revenge on his peers.  This time it’s an adult with a history of mental illness who took his mother’s legally purchased weapons, killed her, and then went into a classroom of six and seven year olds and killed them. 

There’s a rule in movies:  “You can’t kill the child.  The audience will disengage and hate your movie.”    Why?  Because it hits too close to home.   Parents project their own children onto that child on screen.

Just like every parent projected his or her children onto every victim in Newtown. 

I did it.  I knelt down in a sporting goods store, my child asleep in his stroller, surrounded by toddler sized soccer balls, and cried.  And I spent the rest of the day holding him any time I could.   My wife came home after work and sat on the floor, Turtle in her lap, and immediately engulfed him in hugs and kisses.

The people who make and sell guns have, for thirty years, had advocates and lobbyists to pursue their best interests in Washington.  It’s not about the Second Amendment, which is often mis-stated as “the right to bear arms, shall not be infringed.”  (The actual text says: “A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”  People forget the pre-amble.)   This fight has been about profit.  Gun manufacturers have a product to sell.   Relax gun laws and you can sell more powerful guns.  Keep gun owners scared that some unseen boogey man will take away their arsenal, and they’ll buy more and more.

It’s time those of us who don’t own a gun have the same kind of voice. 

It’s time that those too young to own a gun have advocates. 

It’s time we reclaim the discussion; pry it from the cold, dead hearts of the gun lobby, and talk about sensible measures that will ensure gun owners their right to have their guns but that protect the vast majority of us who don’t have them. 

According to Think Progress:

“a poll conducted in May (2012) by Republican pollster Frank Luntz for the group Mayors against Illegal Guns, gun-owning Americans, including National Rifle Association (NRA) members, overwhelmingly support a raft of common-sense measures typically described as “gun control:”
 1. Requiring criminal background checks on gun owners and gun shop employees. 87 percent of non-NRA gun-owners and 74 percent of NRA gun owners support the former, and 80 percent and 79 percent, respectively, endorse the latter.
 2. Prohibiting terrorist watch list members from acquiring guns. Support ranges from 80 percent among non-NRA gun-owners to 71 percent among NRA members.
 3. Mandating that gun-owners tell the police when their gun is stolen. 71 percent non-NRA gun-owners support this measure, as do 64 percent of NRA members.
 4. Concealed carry permits should only be restricted to individuals who have completed a safety training course and are 21 and older. 84 percent of non-NRA and 74 percent of NRA member gun-owners support the safety training restriction, and the numbers are 74 percent and 63 percent for the age restriction.
 5. Concealed carry permits shouldn’t be given to perpetrators of violent misdemeanors or individuals arrested for domestic violence. The NRA/non-NRA gun-owner split on these issues is 81 percent and 75 percent in favor of the violent misdemeanors provision and 78 percent/68 percent in favor of the domestic violence restriction.
 The poll, which sampled 945 gun owners around the country and had a margin of error of +/- 3, also found broad support gun-owners for the principle that “support for 2nd Amendment rights goes hand-in-hand with keeping illegal guns out of the hands of criminals.” In fact, more NRA members (87 percent) supported the statement than non-NRA members (83 percent).”

Maybe it’s time for we non-gun owners to unite with reasonable gun owners and force the NRA to represent it's member's best interests, the best interests of all Americans, not the industry.

Maybe I'll start with the guy who showed up at my son's school Christmas party brashly wearing his NRA hat in the middle of an auditorium full of elementary school kids - the same night as the Newtown shooting.  It displayed the kind of insensitivity that has marked our national discourse on gun control and gun safety for the last thirty years, but maybe, just maybe, if we have this conversation, we'll find common ground and can effect change.

Today, I’m adding this to the list of things for which I advocate for my son. 

The true tragedy is that I even have to.

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Turtle, Disney's Rockin Ever After, and a Lesson in Small Things

I had the good fortune to be invited to the latest Disney on Ice show, Rockin Ever After.   

I should preface this by telling you I got free tickets for my family simply for sharing tweets and writing something about it.  I know there are plenty of bloggers out there who write these things to get free stuff.   

I’m not one of them.   

I prefer to pay for a product and then, if it’s horrible, I’ll be free to say so.  But this was an experience and one that my son would probably not get otherwise.  I’ll happily accept those.

I should also say I wasn’t a huge fan of ice shows, although one well-kept (until now) family secret is just how much I know about ice-skating every four years during the Olympics.   (I’ve recently become a convert to ice shows.  My toddler changed my mind.)

I am now the father of a two and a half year old son who is obsessed with princesses, quite specifically Belle from Beauty and the Beast. 

Turtle is the kid who memorizes every song from Mary Poppins after a single viewing and then spends the next four months singing them in an ongoing medley. 

His only exposure to Belle was a Disney book we bought him and the library’s copy of Beauty and the Beast.  We watched it once.  It was decided shortly thereafter that we would be having a Beauty and the Beast birthday party for Grandma B while she was in town.  He watched it again.

 

I’m sure you can see where this is going. 

 “We going to Book’n to Barky Center?” 

Yes, son.  We are.

On Tuesday evening, November 27, my son and I jumped on the train from Queens and trekked to the Barclay’s Center in Brooklyn.

It was my first time at that venue and it’s amazing.   A Nets practice court you can watch from the Starbucks?   Genius. 

Our hosts led us to a reception with other bloggers to meet the people behind the show, the Feld family.  The Felds, Kenneth Feld and his daughters Juliette and Nicole, produce Disney on Ice and were kind enough to spend time with us.  (More on this in a second.)

Skaters from the show came and talked to the kids and there was a special visit with Merida, star of the hit film, Brave. 

My kid is not shrinking violet and he has more girlfriends - actual beautiful adult female girlfriends - at our local coffee shop than I did all through college… and that’s quite a number. 

Merida was no exception.  Turtle was one of the youngest kids there and the line to meet her may have made him a little shy, but he found his way in.  He took the program for the show (which he’s slept with every night since and still carries with him everywhere) walked up to her, opened the page to her picture and sat on the floor in front of her.   Instead of a photo op, this turned into Turtle and Merida sitting on the floor, hanging out.

Yeah.  Hide your daughters. 

When it was time for the show, the wife and I strapped on our Mickey ears and the three of us head to our seats. 

Two observations:

1. The Barclay’s Center is a great venue.  I can only imagine basketball games there… Or I can get tickets.  Which I will do right now.
2.  Two, the food is great.  (Especially for a sports arena)  Get a burger.  Seriously. 

The show was great, a contrived talent show where each of the featured stories basically did a greatest hits from their films, only on ice.   The Little Mermaid, Tangled, Brave, and Beauty and the Beast were all well represented.

My son managed to sit, enthralled, well past his bedtime.

Therein lies my only critique:  the set pieces can seem long.    

But the show was great and Turtle has been singing the Gaston song and talking about his “friend Merida” non-stop. 

Fellow NYC Dad’s Group blogger, Adam Gertsacov, wrote a wonderfully thorough review of the show here.

What struck me most about this show was an announcement before the performances even started. 

Bruce Ratner, the Feld family, and Brooklyn Borough president Marti Markowitz (straight out of central casting) made a few announcements.  Much glad-handing ensued.

Then they dropped this bomb. 

The Feld Family donated ten thousand tickets to victims of Hurricane Sandy.

10,000 tickets.  Free. 

I have been trying to put together a post about my experiences heading out to Far Rockaway and Broad Channel after Hurricane Sandy.   I have some friends who deserve a shout out, Andrea Ciannavei, who helped coordinate much of the initial response through InterOccupy and Occupy Sandy, Ed Vassallo who has been on the ground since the first car could get out there (with the lovely Annabella Sciorra).

What is painfully clear is that so many of us don’t know what to do after a major catastrophe.  We want desperately to help and run headlong into the fray.  We want to do big things.

A good friend, actor Anson Mount, has been spending a good deal time out there ripping homes apart and doing yeoman’s work.  He initially thought giving away free gasoline out of a gigantic drum in the back of a truck was a brilliant idea until it turned into an episode of The Walking Dead.  (Ironically on the same network as his show.)   

The last thing I wanted was to look at my son and have him ask what I did and say, "Nothing." I spent time spreading information, sorting clothing, talking to victims, carrying the odd thing here or there.  These were all things assigned to us by some group or another.  

At one point I turned and found some guy trying to hack his fingers off while attempting to chase an onion around a cutting board with a knife.  I thought he worked for the food truck that was giving away free food but he was just a volunteer.  I walked up and said, “I’d love to help.  I’ve got mad knife skills.”  One of the guys handed me an F.Dick chef’s knife that had somehow lost its tip.  (Someone tried use it to open a can of beans.)

I worked my way through a bag of onions and carrots and celery and we fed people.. 

I ended up finding a place where my skills could be put to use.  Cutting vegetables, making a soup – these things still seemed too small.  I wanted a bigger task. 

So they sent me to pick up shells off a football field. 

I should have stayed with the soup.

The Felds had a show.  They had entertainment and a warm arena filled with laughter and cheers. 

For a family who has lost everything, this is a moment of joy that they will never forget.  A moment away from filling out FEMA forms, finding shelter, tracking any belongings that weren’t washed away with the storm. 

 

It’s a cup of warm soup in the cold when your power is off and the winter wind is picking up. 

That’s not so small a thing.

Disney on Ice at the Barclays Center in Brooklyn through December 2.

Tickets via the Barclays Center web page here.

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